Chapter Twelve: Part Two
Waking in a comfortable and warm fuzz, she met the early pre-dawn twilight with a giggle. Kate rarely went back to sleep once she’d woken up. Stretching and sighing indulgently under the covers, she celebrated how blissfully comfortable she felt. The sky was soon painted in garish colours as the eastern horizon grew brighter; a display that seemed to be celebrating her new life with her. Small patches of mist clung to the surface waters of the lagoon, flaring gold and pink against the still dark water as dawn broke.
Rising, she had a hot shower that complemented her mood perfectly. The morning was still a little cool, but held the promise of another warm day. Kate wore her swimming costume under her clothes and almost skipped along the ring road to Natalie’s cabin. There was a note on Nat’s open front door.
~
“I’m out the back, make yourself a cuppa and come down. I’ll have what you’re having.”
~
Kate made two double-shot mugs and walked out to find Natalie gazing into a tree. Without looking at her, she whispered, pointing. ‘Katie, look at it. Isn’t it beautiful?’ The brilliant emerald green of the bird’s breast shone as if charged with electricity in the low sun. With two shrill calls, it was gone. As she uncovered a platter of sliced fruits, Natalie asked, ‘Are you hungry?’
‘A little. That looks perfect.’
Natalie looked appraisingly at Kate for a moment before saying, ‘It’s the emotional detritus of your recent past that you’ve been navigating, Kate. By the looks of you, it seems that you have achieved a breakthrough.’
‘I won’t ask how you knew that,’ Kate said, nibbling on a sweet piece of pineapple. ‘I dreamt of Silvio – my ex – and the divorce and the hurts. It’s always been the same bad dream, well, nightmare really. It’s normally really horrible and shakes me up every time. Last night it was like a re-run on TV that I’ve seen too many times. It just bored me until I lost interest; then it changed to include everything wonderful that’s happened since, including you and Rick, and this place.’
Natalie smiled and said, ‘Congratulations, Kate. I know Dom told you of my interest in your ex-husband’s pathology. I can see that you have already recognised the importance of your dream progressing past the nightmare and into its happy conclusion. What a wonderful thing that is! Now shall we talk of the only monkey left in the room?’
Kate looked at Natalie, trying to work out what she meant. Natalie turned and loudly slapped her own backside, a wicked grin illuminating her face.
‘Crap, you don’t pull any punches, do you Nat?’
‘Goodness no! That wastes too much quality time. If you have something to say, come right out and say it. If the people you are talking to are worthy, they will accept it. If not, you just saved yourself a bad investment.’
Kate stopped and thought about Natalie’s words. Satisfied, she nodded. ‘You know, you are right. And, yes, the D-s thing worries me.’
‘And you have read some popular stories and think it is all about mind games, pain, subservience and dark, kinky fuckery?’
‘Something like that. Rick and I talked about it a bit. Actually, he talked me through a scenario… and yes, I loved it. I just don’t know if I can be everything Rick would want me to be.’
Laughing, Natalie said, ‘Kate, you already are! You got sexually aroused watching Dom and me, correct?’ Seeing Kate’s blushing nod, she continued, ‘When you trust the other person, you can let go and immerse yourself in your moment. The whole point of the experience is for you to find your authenticity, your space between past and future, your moment. That’s where you find real freedom. That’s where the magic is. Tell me, what do you know of Dominance and Submission, D-s play?’
‘Only what Rick has described and what we’ve talked about. The rest seems to be wildly inaccurate at every level.’
‘Kate, recognising that inaccuracy is a great place to start from. OK, let’s give you the fast version. There is BDSM, which is bondage, domination, sadism and masochism. BDSM often involves complex scenarios and much deeper levels of control and torment, normally involving giving and receiving actual pain. That is why the label has sadism and masochism in it. BDSM is much further out there than D-s in general terms, but the distinctions between them overlap and are fuzzy at best. In D-s, each gets a kick out of giving and receiving total trust. The honesty of a healthy D-s session has to be total. For that matter, healthy BDSM requires total honesty as well. All relationships do.
‘In my case, I prefer to dominate. I have a long-time occasional lover, Jacinta. She is dominant to me and rocks my world every time we are together. Really good Dominants are very rare. Because of his utter trustworthiness, Dom is the only man I can completely let go with; his intent and his total generosity of spirit are impeccable. He also doesn’t have a submissive cell in his entire body. In every other case in my sexual life, I am the Dominant. You see Kate, it’s about being able to trust to the point of complete surrender. Receiving and channelling the intensity, transforming it into something else. You learn to lift yourself above it.
‘As far as D-s goes, forget about pain as you would define it. In BDSM, actual pain is a normal part of the landscape, but in D-s, it’s not pain so much as just a stronger or more intense form of sensation. Everything is about intensity and connection. A good Dominant will hold you with just the right amount of intensity you need to stay in sub-space. It’s a mental place, or space, where you feel like you are riding on the sensations, soaring above the clouds, and swimming in the deep. It’s like dying and being reborn, all at the same time. What you saw on Saturday morning was completely therapeutic for me. Last week, I just had a highly contentious paper accepted for publication – including the case review of Silvio’s pathology – and the stress of the peer review process, the edits, changes and proofs had all emotionally stacked up on me.’
Nodding to let Natalie know she understood, Kate sipped her coffee and listened.
‘I purged every bit of that stress and tension during that session. Dom gave me the space and the energy I needed to clean house – in my head – and get rid of everything I didn’t want.’
‘It did sound like it was a real release.’
‘Oh God, yes. He was edging me, holding me in the space right between ‘Oh’ and ‘God’. He actually had my body physically climaxing, holding me in that delicious pre-orgasmic state the whole time, but he wouldn’t let my full energetic orgasm happen. It just keeps building until there is nothing that can describe the energy of the release, nothing. It is like a rebirth when it lets go. It washes you clean of everything. You die and you are reborn; fresh, clean and new.’
‘I don’t know if it would be the same for me though, Natalie.’
‘Katie, here and now, you are aroused emotionally and physically by the thoughts of what we are talking about! Rick will never desire to take you anywhere you are not willing to go. That will also be a lot further than you might imagine right now. Everything is consensual. Think back to what you saw under the tree. Even though he knows me, and my responses, better than any other person on this planet, he was checking in with me all the time. A good Dominant will always think of the welfare and wishes of their submissive or their bottom first. That’s what makes a Dominant worthy of trust.’
‘Bottom? Is a bottom different to a submissive?’
‘Yes. For a submissive, the experience is far more about feeling safe enough to surrender themselves and every ounce of their control and will. Gifting themselves to their Dominant is an integral part of the submissive’s deep experience.’ Natalie paused for a moment, gathering her thoughts. ‘For a bottom, it’s a little different. They seek the same depth of experience, but more lease their control to a Dominant, rather than gifting themselves completely.
‘That’s the essential differentiation between a sub and a bottom. A submissive’s kink is about surrendering everything of themselves in trust, and then experiencing the Dom’s attention and control. A bottom’s kink is about trusting enough to allow themselves to be taken by a Dom into a deep experience. Bottoms more desire to be conquered and taken, wanting their Dominant to take their control, but bottoms don’t gift themselves in the same way that a submissive does. Does that make sense?’
Kate nodded, thinking for a moment before asking, ‘How do I know what I am?’
Natalie laughed. ‘To Rick? I believe you are already a willing submissive. But seriously, don’t even worry about the labels. It is not a 24-7 thing in real-life Kate, although some submissives and Dominants try to make it that way. The desire for a 24-7 thing is more of an escapist issue, or even a pathology, than what we are talking about. In every other part of your lives, you will very much be equals, just as you already are.
Every healthy relationship must essentially be between equals to work, kinky or otherwise. ‘But in private… when he looks at you in that way…’ Natalie smiled wickedly, ‘Well, you will just melt and need to give yourself to him in every possible way. I can see by the expression on your face that you do already. So tell me, Katie, what is it that’s bothering you?’
‘I just worry I won’t be enough for him. What if I say no to something.’
‘Honesty is critical. If you are uncomfortable, you tell him. If you are turned on, you tell him. Imagine you went to a buffet with a hundred different dishes available. Would you be disappointed if only ninety-seven were amazing, but you found three dishes that you didn’t like so much? Kate, this is exactly the same thing. Your hundred-dish buffet is a completely new experience set. It’s all about the trusting, the experience, the shedding of everything but the moment, and finding your moment.
‘You see, a real Dom always takes your mind first. It is never about the physical acts, not with a real Dom. They hold a safe, non-judgemental space and offer unconditional acceptance of you – your authentic, primal, natural self. All of the men on this island resonate to the higher octaves of masculinity. Force, intimidation, aggression, manipulation, jealousy and demand are examples of lower-octave alpha-types who need to project themselves to feel a pale imitation of self- worth. No real Dominant uses those things, or ever comes close to needing to.
‘Don’t get me wrong, Kate. There are plenty of misogynists, abusers and sadists out there that call themselves Dominants; especially in the deeper end of BDSM and amongst the untrained. If a Dom is not completely focused on and governed by their submissive’s welfare and desires first, they’re not Doms, they’re abusers. That is where the line is. The physical acts may even be the same, but it’s the mutuality of consent, intent, desire and absolute care that marks the difference.’
‘Have you ever crossed that line?’ Kate asked.
‘I came close once, a long time ago. My training Domme wanted me to experience losing control to better understand myself, and she wanted me to learn where my line is. She was present as a safety valve for the scenario, but wasn’t needed because I couldn’t lose control. That ended up being her point. She needed me to learn to trust my own innate boundaries, and to stop fearing losing control. Many others play a lot further along the scales of pain, humiliation, sadism and masochism, but that end of the spectrum holds no personal desire for me at any level.’
Kate thought about it for half a minute and nodded. ‘I can see that. Do you still go that far?’
‘Occasionally. I still enjoy some deeper BDSM scenarios. In the right setting, it can be amazing. Dom and Jac are the only ones I trust to take me that far as a sub. Actually, they are the only two I have ever been genuinely submissive to, or even bottomed to. They teamed up on me once, and over that thirty-six hours, I went far beyond anything I thought I would ever experience. I was buzzing for days afterwards. We all were.’